Rogue trader 1

Praecia's doubt

The tilt story

I thought I was attractive; not as much as Celeste but… Is my body? I know I’m strange. My body is different. My mind is different. I should just be able to take what I want but, when it it comes to it I… I can’t. I know it’s wrong so I don’t. I know somehow that it is a choice. Not mine. Why doesn’t he just decide? I know I’m a weapon, a tool, a freak but that doesn’t change it. Maybe he doesn’t care for me at all, maybe he despises me. But… I’d be OK with that. Not OK, mad, I’d hurt someone real bad but I could move on. The not knowing is why it hurts. But if I’m wrong and he does care then ARRRGH. Why is this hard? I’m so stupid. Fuck you Luscius! Don’t you know how hard I’m trying? Do you even realise I’m trying? Are you this dense? You’re so dumb. Wait. Maybe he has another? Nah. He barely speaks to anyone. That’s strange isn’t it. He isn’t whole anymore. Maybe he’s broken? Is he still pining for Celeste? Trapped in the past? Maybe I should back away? Maybe… such a weak word, I hate it. Luscius looks weak… he isn’t. He is making me weaker. I am not used to dancing around like this. I… I’ll do this my way. A definite message. I… I shall ask him directly. No more pussyfooting around. I will do this. I’m ready now.

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alex_caygill_1

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